Category Archives: Parenting

Parenting is like Gardening. Part 2

 

This is part two of a Two-part post. Click here for Part 1.
These posts were originally written and posted in 2008.

I am on a blogging vacation until August 1, 2012. Hope you’re having a great summer!

*********

When my son was little (under 1 year) I was seriously into reading books on child training. Several of them said things like, “Do the hard work now to instill the right habits and your life will be easier when they are teenagers.”

It felt like wisdom to heed those words. So – with the horrible goal of making MY life easier I set out to nip everything in the bud.

I learned how to spank effectively [don't get me started on how big a mistake that was!] and to train the child to put his stuff away before moving on to a new project. I tried to institute mandatory devotions (I gave that up pretty early on, too).

You get the picture.

Well – fast forward 15 years. He a great person! I love him dearly and he’s a total hoot. But, he almost never puts anything away unless I remind him (which was NOT the case when he was 6 and 7) his room is a disaster (which was also not the case when he was 6 and 7) and he is just plain messy!

I was training that out of him!! The books said!!!!

Frankly, those books are selling a dream which is only realized when you have kids whose temperaments already fit the outcome.

Like gardening: If I plant a sun-loving plant in the sun, it’s kind of silly of me to credit myself when it blooms. OR, I can plant a sun-loving plant in the shade and try to force it to be a shade loving plant….but that plant will still need SUN. I can try to prune a rose to look like a boxwood hedge and it’s still going to be a rose with it’s tendency to be very branch-y and decidedly UNboxwood-like.

I guess the point here is to focus on figuring out who our children are and helping them learn to be responsible and caring individuals, but do it for THEM and not for your future ‘ease’.

I believed those kooky book authors when they said “What he is at 2 he’ll be at 12, if you’re not careful.” WRONG!! Give the kids some credit for having the sense to know that acting like a 2 yo is only effective for 2 year olds (and even then it doesn’t work well). Most teens (including my own) still have days when they’re immature and ignorant and rude and irritating. It’s part of the process.

[Update: Now that my kids are 14 and 20] Overall, they are respectful and willing to admit when they’re wrong and even fairly quick to come to me and apologize when they’ve been rude.

Should I view their flaws as failure on MY part? NOPE. Just as I should not view their strengths as having anything to do with what a great parent I am. It’s important to be big enough to step away and see the kids as individuals and not as trophies or badges of honor. They are people.They are each different and we need to do the work of knowing each of them individually and living with them accordingly and respectfully.

 

Parenting Is Like Gardening. Part 1

This is part one of a two-part post originally written in 2008. I’m currently taking a blogging vacation. I’ll be back by August 1, 2012. Have a great summer!

*************

Frankly, I don’t really know why I’m even doing this. We’re dull folk. Who’d even care to know what I think? I’ll just blog away and hope I reach my niche.

I can’t even explain how incredible the potential for my roses looks this year. They are virtually covered with buds. One is even ready to bloom (Therese Bugnet – a fabulous rugosa who is thriving in our high desert climate). I expect to see actual blooms on her by tomorrow. woo hoo!

I planted a rose today that has virtually NO information with it except that its name is Spanish Sun. [update 2012: I found this.] Why did I buy it? Because bees were passing out when they flew by!! The fragrance is THAT strong. She appears to be a shrub rose but I cannot find any information about her online. [Update: Turned out to be a floribunda.] The blooms are a deep yellow and fade to a light buttery yellow as they age. The leaves have a reddish tint to the edges. I hope she can handle our winters – we’ll see. [Update: She couldn't.] Maybe I’ll be willing to get out and do the hard labor of winterizing her if she proves to be worth all that work. [Update: I wasn't.]

My kids (especially my son) keep asking when I’ll be done spending so much time in the yard. hahahahahahahahahahaha… they’re obviously NOT gardeners.

Seriously, though. I think he’s having a tough time (and so am I for that matter) shifting into this period of his life where I play less and less of a role in the hourly day-to-day of his world. He was my only child for the first 7 years and he was also very much my little buddy. We’re very similar in so many ways (I’ve apologized to him for his having so many of my traits…) and it frequently makes my hubby laugh to watch the two of us. Anyway – he’s 16 and I see incredible potential in him. He’s so capable but he’s still fragile. He wants to be out in the wide world…but we’re easing him into that.

I’ve heard several negative comments over the years comparing homeschoolers to greenhouse plants. The truth is that greenhouse plants are fine while in the safety of the environment they were grown in, but if you set them out without a transition, they quickly either die or struggle for the length of their days.

I’ve seen it in my own garden.

The little plants need to be ‘hardened off’ to survive in the real climate and withstand the weather and the wind and the temperatures. Children need similar treatment. Allow them (as each year progresses) to have more and more contact with the hard facts of life – some ugly and some wonderful. It’s their hardening off period.

Part 2

Can we really control our kids’ hearts by controlling their world?

This post was originally posted in 2008. I am currently on vacation from blogging. I will return by August 1, 2012. Have a fabulous summer!

*********

While riding in the car this morning my daughter began to ask some really good questions about a belief system which teaches its practitioners to control themselves based largely on externals. Their primary focus is on how they dress.

My eleven year old has been reading a book entitled Plain Girl. It has sparked a lot of questions in her. YAY for that!

I can get on my soapbox pretty fast over things like this because I believe that it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE for one person to control another persons heart attitudes – at all. It can’t be done with a list. It can’t be done with the right friends. It can’t be done living in the right setting. It has to come from inside each individual person.

This isn’t about any one particular belief system. It’s about our human desire to create formulas. If I’m wearing the plainest clothing and keeping my adornments uninteresting, I can STILL feel vain and prideful over the length of my eyelashes, or the tone of my skin or the direction my knees point when I walk. Pride comes from the inside. That same pride can also come disguised when it makes me say to myself, “Well. At least my _____ isn’t as ____ as ____.” or “I’m so much more ____ than ______.” blechhhhhhhhhh

So – NO. We can’t control our children’s hearts by controlling anything. We can talk about what’s right and wrong and we can pray for them to understand. Then we have to live a life that demonstrates that we believe what we’re saying.

Will that guarantee that they turn out like we hoped? No. But, really I’m not responsible for who they choose to become. I’m responsible to show them honestly who I am and to help them grow up with the knowledge that they have the ability to choose well.

I sure hope at least one of them chooses to love knitting!

Laughing is my favorite.

My kids make me laugh. They, like most kids, have a talent for figuring out what will tickle the giggler of their parents.

Sometimes they do it by accident: Once Batman and Boy Wonder were on their way to their favorite fishing spot when Batman pulled off the road and stopped beside a lake that was on the road to “their” lake. He and Boy Wonder walked for a few steps and Batman pointed out the signs that read “Catch and Release Only. Fish from this lake is not safe for human consumption” (or something like that). Naturally Boy Wonder (who was around six years old) wanted to know what that was all about. Batman explained that this body of water was contaminated with mercury. Boy Wonder thought about this for a split second, brightened and exclaimed, “And Saturn!”


Other times the kids make an effort to amuse: Bat Girl and I occasionally splurge and go out for lunch. On this particular day we were eating our lunch at home but her lunch happened to be the second half of the foot-long sub sandwich from our outing the day before. I was eying her beautiful leftovers and commented that they looked like something I might even be tempted to steal if she weren’t careful. Without hesitating or blinking she calmly held my gaze while carefully picking up that gorgeous six inches of sub-limity, licked the entire surface and dropped it back on her plate.

Yep. These people have kept me chuckling for almost 20 years now.

I could never have dreamed them up. My best imaginings about who my kids would be and who they actually turned out to be were like the difference between imagining the ocean for years and then finally seeing it for yourself.

I was never one of those women who was adamant about becoming a parent. I was ambivalent about it in the early years of our marriage until I finally found out I was expecting. In my younger days I rarely babysat and babies didn’t make me get all gooey and silly. My own Mother heard me say, countless times, “I’m never having kids!” So, for me, being willing to think happy thoughts about Motherhood was big.

I’m so glad that I was too stupid to really follow through on those assertions that I was never having kids. My kids are just about the best thing that I’ve done for my whole life!

Now, while staring menopause in the eye, I’m going to have a few years of thumb-twiddling and hot flashes to keep me occupied while I figure out what to do with the rest of my life after Bat Girl graduates High School in four years.

Sigh of Relief Heard ‘Round the World

Boy Wonder is no longer engaged.

They had even gotten a ring.

These two wonderful but very young UN-marriage-ready people saw their own lacking readiness and admitted it to themselves and each other. It was hard for both but I’m proud of them for doing the hard work of being honest about it.

I’ll just say it. I am also proud of myself for keeping my mouth shut and trusting them.

Being the parent of young adults is crazy hard work.

There I was again. Presented with a situation that required I express myself with honesty and restraint (saying restraint is hard for me is a major understatement). I was not shocked or sad at this turn of events. But, for me, displaying compassionate empathy while inwardly having a touchdown party, complete with a Carlton Dance, nearly induced an aneurism. My emotions were like a beach ball that I was struggling to hold under water. I wanted to let the ball go but didn’t want it thwacking me anyone in the face as it blasted into the open.

It’s possible I may have idealized memories of those exhausting days of toddler-hood. In my head it’s as if we were floating on a tranquil river during a gloriously sunny calm day. Who knew there were rapids coming up around the bend? Oh yeah… I remember. All the people who told me, “It gets harder as they get older.” They knew! I just didn’t listen. Or maybe I didn’t believe it would be MY fate (that’s probably more true).

I don’t like standing on the periphery of my kids life. I belong on the periphery, though. So I’m working to stay there.

Disclosure: I checked with Boy Wonder a couple of days ago and got his permission to talk briefly about what happened.

I can say that there was sadness and relief as both young people mutually agreed to calling off the engagement and are happy to remain “friends”.

Nobody got dumped.